Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- - Victor Borge
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself "'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian (mother of Jimmy) Carter
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury
-- Groucho Marx
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal