New Joke

[Mr J]

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.
One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out
onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,
"Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and
see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me."
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
"You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no", said the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next
to the football stadium parking lot.
On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my
flower garden.

"So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy
sticks his thing through the fence, I grab it and say, '$20 or off it comes'."
"Well, that seems only fair" laughs the cop. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way,
what's in the other bag?"

"Well, you know, not everybody pays."

[Mr J]

A man goes to a shrink and says,

'Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. 
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her!
I'm going crazy.  What do you think I should do?'

'Relax,' says the Doctor,
'Take a deep breath and calm down. 
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?

[Mr J]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? "What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[Mr J]

-